Emporium Opens Its Doors (Again, For the First Time)

Emporium is proud to announce its grand opening, an event our records indicate has now occurred four separate times, each on a different date, none of which was today.

We sell wonderfully impossible and paradoxical goods: items that work exactly as described and are, for that reason, deeply suspicious. Every product on the shelf has been tested by at least one employee who is no longer available for comment.

Returns policy

There isn't one. See our returns and regrets guide for the philosophical reasoning.

Store hours

We are open whenever you are reading this sentence, and closed the moment you stop.