Emporium
Perfectly reasonable products, if you squint.
IMG · blinker-fluid
Blinker Fluid$24.95
Automotive & SorcerySynthetic formula engineered for crisper, brighter, more rhythmic turn signals. Universal fit.✓ in stock
IMG · left-handed-screwdriver
Left-Handed Screwdriver$34.99
Tools & HardwareErgonomically counter-threaded for lefties. Will absolutely spin righties into a state of confusion.✓ in stock
IMG · inflatable-dartboard
Inflatable Dartboard$14.99
Leisure & GamesSpace-saving design. Includes a patch kit because you are definitely going to need it.✓ in stock
IMG · muffler-bearings-pack-of-4
Muffler Bearings (Pack of 4)$45
Automotive & SorceryEliminates that pesky exhaust wobble. Pre-greased with premium snake oil.✓ in stock
IMG · replacement-cloud-storage-physical-bucket
Replacement Cloud Storage (Physical Bucket)$29.99
Tech AccessoriesA literal galvanized steel bucket optimized for catching data leaks and overhead Wi-Fi drift.✓ in stock
IMG · solar-powered-flashlight
Solar-Powered Flashlight$12.5
Tools & HardwareEco-friendly illumination. Only works when exposed to direct, blinding sunlight.✓ in stock
IMG · wireless-usb-cable
Wireless USB Cable$29.99
Tech AccessoriesGluten-free, Zero carbs, 100% data fidelity. Perfect for tech-savvy diets. Type-C to Type-Wheat.✓ in stock
IMG · organic-password-generator
Organic Password Generator$8
Software & Digital GoodsHand-raised, artisanal characters harvested only when fully mature. No artificial algorithms used.out of stock
IMG · diet-water
Diet Water$5.99
Groceries & HexesAll the hydration of regular water, but with 50% less heavy hydrogen. Zero wetness.✓ in stock
IMG · bluetooth-pick
Bluetooth-pick$79.95
Health & WellnessTracks dental plaque metrics in real-time. Over-the-air splinter updates included.out of stock
IMG · ice-cubes
Ice Cubes$15
Groceries & HexesPackage only includes cubes. Water and cold to be added!✓ in stock
IMG · elbow-grease
Elbow Grease$18.25
Automotive & SorceryHard work in a can. Spray liberally onto projects to bypass actual physical effort.✓ in stock
IMG · smart-wallet
Smart Wallet$89.99
Apparel & MistakesFeatures smart-leak technology that automatically dispenses your cash to local vendors via proximity sensors.✓ in stock
IMG · waterproof-towel
Waterproof Towel$19.95
Home & BathHydrophobic nano-coating ensures this towel stays bone dry, no matter how wet you are.✓ in stock
IMG · pre-tangled-headphones
Pre-Tangled Headphones$11.11
Tech AccessoriesSave 15 minutes of your life. Comes fresh out of the box in a mathematically impossible nautical knot.✓ in stock
IMG · bespoke-static-electricity-10-pack
Bespoke Static Electricity (10-Pack)$14.99
Automotive & SorceryArtisanal, small-batch shocks captured via high-pile shag carpets. Quality may vary.✓ in stock
IMG · air-guitar-strings
Air Guitar Strings$9.99
Leisure & GamesUltra-low gauge, 100% transparent nylon. Guaranteed never to snap, rust, or exist.out of stock