[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":225},["ShallowReactive",2],{"emporium-news-list":3},[4,57,83,109,135,180],{"id":5,"title":6,"body":7,"date":48,"description":49,"extension":50,"meta":51,"navigation":52,"path":53,"seo":54,"stem":55,"__hash__":56},"emporiumNews\u002Fnews\u002Fstaff-picks.md","Staff Picks for This Quarter",{"type":8,"value":9,"toc":44},"minimark",[10,14,18,41],[11,12,6],"h1",{"id":13},"staff-picks-for-this-quarter",[15,16,17],"p",{},"Each quarter, the clerk behind the counter selects a handful of favorites. This quarter's picks:",[19,20,21,29,35],"ul",{},[22,23,24,28],"li",{},[25,26,27],"strong",{},"Diet Water"," — all the hydration, none of the heavy hydrogen. The clerk describes it as \"aggressively fine.\"",[22,30,31,34],{},[25,32,33],{},"Elbow Grease"," — for projects you'd rather not actually work on.",[22,36,37,40],{},[25,38,39],{},"Waterproof Towel"," — stays bone dry no matter how wet you are, which the clerk finds \"personally validating.\"",[15,42,43],{},"Staff picks are not guarantees of quality, taste, or physical plausibility. They are simply what was closest to the register when someone asked.",{"title":45,"searchDepth":46,"depth":46,"links":47},"",2,[],"2026-02-28","What the Emporium clerks are personally recommending right now, and why you should be suspicious.","md",{},true,"\u002Fnews\u002Fstaff-picks",{"title":6,"description":49},"news\u002Fstaff-picks","CC65hvVSn7ytbVHOGCFGSEXkdUbWnxTP42F381LEddI",{"id":58,"title":59,"body":60,"date":76,"description":77,"extension":50,"meta":78,"navigation":52,"path":79,"seo":80,"stem":81,"__hash__":82},"emporiumNews\u002Fnews\u002Fshipping-and-delivery.md","Shipping and Delivery, Explained",{"type":8,"value":61,"toc":74},[62,65,68,71],[11,63,59],{"id":64},"shipping-and-delivery-explained",[15,66,67],{},"Emporium currently offers in-store pickup only, which in practice means the item arrives at your home before you've finished reading this sentence.",[15,69,70],{},"We do not use couriers. We do not use drones. Every order is delivered by a method we are contractually unable to describe, and that seems to work out fine.",[15,72,73],{},"If your order has not arrived, it has likely arrived, and you have not noticed yet. Check the room you are currently in.",{"title":45,"searchDepth":46,"depth":46,"links":75},[],"2026-02-14","How Emporium gets your paradoxical goods to your door, more or less.",{},"\u002Fnews\u002Fshipping-and-delivery",{"title":59,"description":77},"news\u002Fshipping-and-delivery","AFzM4l1a4EefcUgLswQUQq3I5BeELuHI-JsL_wC40S0",{"id":84,"title":85,"body":86,"date":102,"description":103,"extension":50,"meta":104,"navigation":52,"path":105,"seo":106,"stem":107,"__hash__":108},"emporiumNews\u002Fnews\u002Floyalty-program.md","Introducing the Emporium Loyalty Program",{"type":8,"value":87,"toc":100},[88,91,94,97],[11,89,85],{"id":90},"introducing-the-emporium-loyalty-program",[15,92,93],{},"Every purchase now earns you loyalty points. There is no way to view your point balance, no catalog of rewards, and no redemption counter. The points simply accrue, somewhere, on your behalf.",[15,95,96],{},"We believe this is the purest form of loyalty: given freely, tracked invisibly, and worth precisely as much as you decide it's worth.",[15,98,99],{},"Members occasionally report a faint sense of being appreciated. This is the program working as intended.",{"title":45,"searchDepth":46,"depth":46,"links":101},[],"2026-02-03","Earn points for shopping at Emporium. Redeem them for nothing in particular.",{},"\u002Fnews\u002Floyalty-program",{"title":85,"description":103},"news\u002Floyalty-program","qhv507n06sLNHI64CbRKxTSTl835bwbvCky8BWjDHAg",{"id":110,"title":111,"body":112,"date":128,"description":129,"extension":50,"meta":130,"navigation":52,"path":131,"seo":132,"stem":133,"__hash__":134},"emporiumNews\u002Fnews\u002Fout-of-stock-notice.md","A Note on Out-of-Stock Items",{"type":8,"value":113,"toc":126},[114,117,120,123],[11,115,111],{"id":116},"a-note-on-out-of-stock-items",[15,118,119],{},"Occasionally an item on the shelf will read \"out of stock.\" Customers ask what this means for a store that specializes in the impossible.",[15,121,122],{},"It means exactly what it says: we do not have it right now. The Organic Password Generator is between harvests. The Bluetooth-pick is awaiting a firmware signal from a tooth that has gone quiet. The Air Guitar Strings are, per their own description, guaranteed never to exist — so \"out of stock\" may in fact be their most honest state yet.",[15,124,125],{},"Out-of-stock items will return when they return. Asking us when is a bit like asking the fluid when it will stop blinking.",{"title":45,"searchDepth":46,"depth":46,"links":127},[],"2026-01-22","What it means when Emporium says a paradoxical good is out of stock.",{},"\u002Fnews\u002Fout-of-stock-notice",{"title":111,"description":129},"news\u002Fout-of-stock-notice","4nV6SUsdngMVFaXy7Lwkvc2FAr5R9ebqIPjegOUnzl4",{"id":136,"title":137,"body":138,"date":173,"description":174,"extension":50,"meta":175,"navigation":52,"path":176,"seo":177,"stem":178,"__hash__":179},"emporiumNews\u002Fnews\u002Freturns-and-regrets.md","Returns and Regrets",{"type":8,"value":139,"toc":168},[140,143,146,151,154,158,161,165],[11,141,137],{"id":142},"returns-and-regrets",[15,144,145],{},"Emporium does not accept returns. We do, however, accept regrets, which we file in a large cabinet and never look at again.",[147,148,150],"h2",{"id":149},"why-no-returns","Why no returns?",[15,152,153],{},"Every item sold at Emporium was exactly what the label said it was. If the Blinker Fluid made your turn signals crisper and more rhythmic, that is not a defect — that is a promise kept. We cannot refund you for a promise we kept.",[147,155,157],{"id":156},"what-if-an-item-is-broken","What if an item is broken?",[15,159,160],{},"Bring it back and we will admire it together. Some of our best display pieces started this way.",[147,162,164],{"id":163},"what-if-i-simply-changed-my-mind","What if I simply changed my mind?",[15,166,167],{},"Then you have grown as a person, and Emporium was part of that journey. No refund covers personal growth.",{"title":45,"searchDepth":46,"depth":46,"links":169},[170,171,172],{"id":149,"depth":46,"text":150},{"id":156,"depth":46,"text":157},{"id":163,"depth":46,"text":164},"2026-01-15","Our official policy on returns, refunds, and the quiet acceptance of your choices.",{},"\u002Fnews\u002Freturns-and-regrets",{"title":137,"description":174},"news\u002Freturns-and-regrets","fXZeQJkypBKzQXbLLPuWivE1x143DG6ocu6qvilf7m8",{"id":181,"title":182,"body":183,"date":218,"description":219,"extension":50,"meta":220,"navigation":52,"path":221,"seo":222,"stem":223,"__hash__":224},"emporiumNews\u002Fnews\u002Fgrand-opening.md","Emporium Opens Its Doors (Again, For the First Time)",{"type":8,"value":184,"toc":214},[185,188,191,194,198,207,211],[11,186,182],{"id":187},"emporium-opens-its-doors-again-for-the-first-time",[15,189,190],{},"Emporium is proud to announce its grand opening, an event our records indicate has now occurred four separate times, each on a different date, none of which was today.",[15,192,193],{},"We sell wonderfully impossible and paradoxical goods: items that work exactly as described and are, for that reason, deeply suspicious. Every product on the shelf has been tested by at least one employee who is no longer available for comment.",[147,195,197],{"id":196},"returns-policy","Returns policy",[15,199,200,201,206],{},"There isn't one. See our ",[202,203,205],"a",{"href":204},"\u002Femporium\u002Fnews\u002Freturns-and-regrets","returns and regrets guide"," for the philosophical reasoning.",[147,208,210],{"id":209},"store-hours","Store hours",[15,212,213],{},"We are open whenever you are reading this sentence, and closed the moment you stop.",{"title":45,"searchDepth":46,"depth":46,"links":215},[216,217],{"id":196,"depth":46,"text":197},{"id":209,"depth":46,"text":210},"2026-01-08","A brief history of the store's grand opening, which has technically already happened several times.",{},"\u002Fnews\u002Fgrand-opening",{"title":182,"description":219},"news\u002Fgrand-opening","5cpD3nUY0csgamFbrXIDoWGVRCK_8rbNxm8JDc-k8yw",1784149344014]